Is It Possible to Beat the Odds And Make Your Second Marriage a Success?

It’s been proven that the second marriage divorce rate is statistically higher than that of first marriages because of a few simple, yet critical mistakes that many people make when they enter their second marriage.

Psychology Today stated that “a whopping 60% of second marriages fail. And they do so even more quickly after an average of 10 years; 37% of second marriages have dissolved versus 30% of first marriages.”

If anything can be learned from the second marriage divorce rate, it is the fact that you need to enter a second marriage with CAUTION. Here are some tips that will help you beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate and make your second marriage a success:

1. Make Sure You REALLY Know Who You’re Marrying.

Be sure that YOUR beliefs are in line with your spouse’s. And I’m not only talking about religion here. I’m also talking about your partner’s beliefs about making and saving money, disciplining children, daily love & affection, sex, household chores and even social beliefs.

It is opposite beliefs on subjects like these that will quickly put your relationship on the fast track to divorce.

In your hunger to find new love, you may be tempted to idealize life with your fiancée and ignore the discussion of opposite beliefs.

But let me warn you, if you do this, there's a good chance you'll end up becoming another statistic in the rising second marriage divorce rate.

Don’t make the same mistakes you did in your first marriage. Discuss these issues NOW. Don’t wait just because you don’t want to “spoil the mood.”

2. Create a Check List of Issues that Led to Your Last Divorce

Another way to beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate is to write down every little thing you and your ex fought about throughout your marriage. Did you struggle with jealousy issues even though your spouse gave you no reason to be suspicious?

Did you and your ex struggle with money problems in your marriage? Make a list of all the issues that contributed to your last divorce and see whether or not those issues could spring up again in your second marriage.

Type out the list and use it as a way to discuss your beliefs about each of the issues and how you think that subject should be handled in your second marriage. Be sure to include issues that are not typical like landscape maintenance, vacations and work ethic.

Those may seem like insignificant issues right now, but it is better to get everything out into the open BEFORE you are married...than to be sorry you didn't later on when your second marriage becomes another statistic in the rising second marriage divorce rate.

3. Don’t Rush Into your Second Marriage Because You’re Blinded By “Love”.

Research shows that the second marriage divorce rate greatly increases if you’ve been in a relationship with a person for less than a year. Don’t think this research does not apply to you. As difficult as it may be to accept, these ARE the facts.

It has also been proven that both men and women want to be married and connected regardless of the misery they suffered in their last marriage. Loneliness can drive anyone to seek relief in their second marriage and few people are thinking straight when they remarry too quickly.

The burning desire to “not be lonely” creates such a hunger that rational thought becomes an irritating nuisance.

Though you may not want to hear it now, romance is a very powerful “drug”. It will keep you in a trance like state right up until the moment you say I do…for the second time.

And once you’re married, you’ll notice that the romance you once felt gradually gets replaced with the predictability of married life.

So just remember, if you want to beat the second marriage divorce rate, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that the romance in your relationship will continue to last forever.

Romance is just not practical in marriage due to busy schedules, children and the monotony of daily life. At the very least, remember to keep a clear head during the pre-marriage time spent with your partner.

4. Honestly Look at What Caused Your Last Divorce.

To beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate, you MUST start to be honest with yourself. Understand that it was NOT just one issue or one person that “caused” your last divorce.

It’s true. There is not ONE person that causes a divorce.

Instead, it is the clash of two OPPOSITE value systems that drives people to divorce. Two opposite “value” or belief systems can cause a variety of problems in a marriage like:

Infidelity

Over-sensitivity

Lack of intimacy

Excessive fighting

Confusing and unclear communication

Not enough quality time due to busy schedules

Unsolvable children issues

Inability to find the real source of conflicts

It's important to find out which issues caused conflict in your last marriage so you can openly discuss them with your partner.

AND JUST A FAIR WARNING: Do NOT get carried away with the painful details of your last marriage. The conversation with your partner should NOT be about bashing your ex husband or wife, but instead about eliminating potential conflicts in your second marriage.

There is no need to discuss ALL the details of your last marriage...just your viewpoint on your values in life. (i.e. money management, religion, family values, etc.)

5. CLEARLY Understand Your Expectations of Each Other.

It is important to go into a second marriage with a clear understanding of what your needs are. Men and women’s expectations surprisingly are different, so be sure to talk openly and honestly about these needs BEFORE you get married the second time around.

(If you're already married, discuss them as soon as possible.)

For instance, if you need one night out of the week to be with your friends just to break up the “routine” of things, let your partner know this BEFORE you are married. It is this kind of open communication that leads to successful second marriages.

If you REALLY want to beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate and make this time around a success, you MUST understand the CRITICAL role that your and your spouse's belief systems take on in a marriage.

Once you do, when conflicts emerge in your second marriage, you’ll be able to resolve them quickly and effectively, with no hard feelings on either side.

Wedding Preparations: Your Second Marriage

Second marriages require a host of issues that differ from the preparations for a first marriage. In addition to all the logistics relating to party plan that plague a first wedding, second time brides and grooms deal with additional issues. Some of these issues include legal issues, determining who pays for the wedding, deciding what type of attire the bride and groom will wear and possibly even dealing with having your own children involved in the process if either of you already have children from a previous marriage.

The most important wedding consideration in a second marriage is the legal documentation. It is imperative that you obtain certifiable proof that you are no longer legally married to another person before you enter into a second marriage. If you previous spouse is deceased a death certificate would serve as proof. If your previous spouse is still alive, you will need to acquire a divorce decree as proof that you are no longer married.

The subject of the cost of the wedding and who bears the financial burden is an important consideration if you are dealing with a second marriage. The bride’s parents typically pay for a first marriage but if this is the second marriage for the bride, the parents may not be willing or able to pay for a second wedding. In this situation the couple themselves will usually shoulder the financial burdens of the wedding. This is not a cause for concern because when the wedding is for a second marriage, the event is usually not as extravagant as a wedding for a first marriage. If the couple is paying for the wedding themselves, they should focus on setting a budget beforehand and ensuring that they do not exceed their budget constraints. However, if this is a second marriage for the groom but the first marriage for the bride, the bride’s parents may be excited to help in paying for the wedding. Even though the bride’s parents are paying for the wedding, the couple may still opt for a simple wedding that does not put a financial strain on the parents.

The subject of wedding attire is another important consideration when planning a wedding for a second marriage. It’s important to remember that although some people may disapprove of a bride wearing white when it is her second marriage it really doesn’t matter what others think. The most important thing is that the couple themselves feel comfortable with their choices. If the bride wants to wear white even though it is her second wedding, she should go ahead and do so. Whether the couple chooses to walk down the aisle in traditional wedding attire or jeans and sneakers is completely up to them. They should not let the potential of disapproval by others affect their attire choices.

If either the bride or groom has children from a previous relationship, the couple will have to deal with issues relating to the children. The couple will want to discuss their wedding plans with the children early in their engagement to give the children plenty of time to adjust to the idea that their parent will be remarrying. It’s important that you inform your ex-spouse of your wedding plans at the same time as your children so that you are not putting your child in the difficult situation of keep a secret from their other parent. Once your child has been informed of the wedding plans, discuss the planning with them and ask them how much they would like to be involved. If they are not comfortable with the plans they may not want to be too involved initially but this may change once the planning starts to get more exciting. Children can be involved in the wedding in a number of ways. Depending on their age they can serve as flower girls and ring bearers or bridesmaids and groomsmen. Children can also play a role in the planning process by helping with decorations, favors and decisions that need to be made. The more involved they are, the less likely they are to feel left out and resentful about the wedding.

Planning a wedding that is a second marriage for either or both members of the couple involves a few extra precautions and issues. Having your legal documentation proving that you are no longer married is the most important issue in a second marriage. Beyond that other issues relate to finances, attire and children.

The Message of the Qur'an: A Great Tafsir of the Current Time

The Message of the Qur'an: A Great Tafsir of the Current Time
Commentary on Various Marriage-Related Phrases from Surat Nisaa
By Shah Abdul Hannan, Former Secretary, Peoples Republic of Bangladesh
Reprinted from Al-Baiyyinah, the e-magazine of Witness-Pioneer, Volume 3 Issue 2 May-June 2003

I became acquainted with the writings of Muhammad Asad, the author of The Message of the Quran, in 1963 when I was under training in the Finance Services Academy in Lahore, Pakistan. The library of the Academy had the books of Asad. I first read his The Principles of the State and Government in Islam. It is one of the very first books written in the current time on the Political System of Islam. Then I read his Islam at the Cross Roads where he has discussed the modern and current important problems facing Islam and the Muslims. At this time I read his autobiographical book Road to Mecca, where he has discussed his life and experiences and also expounded some of his views on Islam. After the First Volume of his The Message of the Quran was published probably in 1964 (Asad did not complete the translation of the whole Qur'an yet), I read it 1966 or '67. I was greatly impressed by the translation and the commentary. I remember that Professor Khurshid Ahmad once told me that this was the best translation of the Quran in English language.

In his tafsir, Asad has not made literal translation of the Qur'an, rather he has presented the spirit, as Maulana Maududi has done the same thing in his Urdu translation of the Qur'an Tafhimul Quran. But in the note of the translation, Asad has given the literal translation of the verses as well where needed. So those who want literal translation, they would also get it in The Message of the Quran.

Asad was such a genius that he knew Arabic and English better than their native speakers, though these were not his mother tongues. This is reflected best in his Tafsir of the Qur'an.

Asad has added very significant notes in his Tafsir (commentary). He not only presented his understanding of the Verses of the Qur'an, but also presents the views of the earlier scholars, particularly when he deals with controversial issues. His tafsir shows his command of earlier Tafsir Literature. He is a representative of Islam's humanistic and rationalist trend. But according to my understanding, he never forsakes the spirit of Islam nor does he surrender to other civilizations, though some people say so. One of the characteristics of his Tafsir is that it is free from gender bias. It is his great success. We don't see it in many Tafsirs.

For example, he has translated the first verse of Sura Nisa as below:

'O mankind! Be conscious of your Sustainer Who has created you out of one living entity and out of it created its mate, and out of the two spread abroad a multitude of men and women.'

His note No.1 of Sura Nisa is as follows:

Out of the many meanings attributable to the term nafs - soul, sprit, mind, animate being, living entity, human being, person, self (in the sense of a personal identity), human kind, life essence, vital principle and so forth- most of the classical commentators choose 'human being' and assume that it refers here to Adam. Muhammad Abduh, however, rejects this interpretations (Manar-IV) and gives instead preference to humankind inasmuch as this term stresses the common origin and brotherhood of the human race (which undoubtedly, is the purport of the above verse) without, at the same time, unwarrantably tying it to the Biblical account of the creation of Adam and Eve. My rendering of nafs, in this context, as 'living entity' follows the same reasoning.

As regards the expression Zawjaha (its mate), it is to be noted that with reference to animate beings the Zawj, ('a pair', 'one of a pair' or 'a mate') applies to the male as well as to the female component of a pair or couple; hence, with reference to human beings, it signifies a woman's mate (husband) as well as man's mate wife). Abu Muslim as quoted by Razi interprets the phrase "He created its mate (i.e. its sexual counterpart) out of its own kind (min jinsiha)" thus supporting the view of Muhammad Abduh referred to above. The literal translation of minha as 'out of it' clearly alludes, in conformity with the text to biological fact that both sexes have originated from the 'one living entity'.

Asad in his commentary has accepted, subject to possible meanings of the Quranic verse, very rational explanations. In this connection we can mention the issue of marriage of 'slave girl' and 'hur'. He has translated Ayat 24 of Sura Nisa as follows (part):

'And (forbidden to you are) all married women other than those whom you rightfully possess [through wedlock]. …'

On this he has given note no.26 of Sura Nisa as follows:

According to almost all the authorities, almuhsanat denotes in the above context 'married women'. As for the expression 'ma malakat aymanukum' ("those whom your right hands possess", i.e. "those whom you rightfully possess"), it is often taken to mean female slaves captured in a war in God's cause (see in this connection 8:67 and corresponding note). The commentators who choose this meaning hold that such slave girls can be taken in marriage irrespective of whether they have husbands in the country of origin or not. However, quite apart from the fundamental differences of opinion, even among the companion of the Prophet, regarding the legality of such a marriage, some of the outstanding commentators hold the view that 'ma malakat aimanukum' denotes here "women whom you rightfully possess through wedlock"; thus Razi in his commentary on the verse and Tabari in one of the alternative explanations (going back to Abdullah Ibn Abbas, Mujahid and others). Razi, in particular, points out that the reference to 'all' married women (al-muhsanat min an-nisa) coming as it does after enumeration of prohibited degrees of relationship, is meant to stress the prohibition of sexual relations with any woman other than one's lawful wife.

In this connection note No.3 of Sura Al-Muminun is the Message of the Quran is also very significant which is given below:

"or those whom their right hands possess..." ( aw ma malakat aymanuhum ). Most of the commentators assume unquestioningly that this relates to female slaves, and that the particle aw ("or") denotes a permissible alternative. This conventional interpretation is, in my opinion, inadmissible inasmuch as it is based on the assumption that sexual intercourse with one's female slave is permitted without marriage: an assumption which is contradicted by the Quran itself (see 4:3, 24, 25 and 24:32, with the corresponding notes). Nor is this the only objection to the above-mentioned interpretation. Since the Quran applies the term "believers" to men and women alike, and since the term 'azwaj' ("spouses"), too, denotes both the male and the female partners in marriage, there is no reason for attributing to the phrase 'ma malakat aymanuhum' the meaning of "their female slave"; and since, on the other hand, it is out of the question that female and male slaves could have been referred to here, it is obvious that this phrase does not relate to slaves at all, but has the same meaning as in 4:24 - namely, "those whom they rightfully possess through wedlock" (see note 26 on 4:24) - with the significant difference that in the present context this expression relates to both husbands and wives, who "rightfully possess" one another by virtue of marriage.

On the basis of this interpretation, the particle aw which precedes this clause does not denote an alternative ("or") but is, rather, in the nature of an explanatory amplification, more or less analogous to the phrase "in other words" or "that is" thus giving to the whole sentence the meaning, "…save with their spouses - that is, those whom they rightfully possess [through wedlock] …" etc. (Cf. a similar construction 25:62- "for him who has the will to take thought- that is [lit., "or"] has the will to be grateful")

Similarly Asad has given very rational explanation of hur. He writes in note no.8 of Sura Waqia as follows:

The noun 'hur' rendered by me as 'companions pure'- is plural of both ahwar (masculine) and hawra (female), either of which describes " a person distinguished by hawar" which latter term primarily denotes 'in dense whiteness of the eyeball and lustrous black of the iris' (Qamus). In a more general sense, hawar signifies simply 'whiteness' (Asas) or, as a moral qualification 'purity' (cf. Tabari, Razi and Ibn Kathir in their explanations of the term hawariyyun in 3:52). Hence the compound expression 'hur'in signifies, approximately, "pure beings [or, more specially 'companions' pure], most beautiful of eye" (which latter is the meaning of 'in', the plural of Ayan).

As regards the term 'hur' in its more current feminine connotation, quite a number of earliest Quran commentators, among them Al-Hasan al Basri- understood it signifying no more or no less than "the righteous among the women of the human kind "(Tabari),-" [even] those toothless women of yours whom God will resurrect as new beings" (Al-Hasan as quoted by Razi in his comments on 44:54)

The whole of the commentary of Asad is an extraordinary work. There was always some difference of attitude in the Quranic commentary. This is very natural and it always happens among the scholars.

In the end, Asad has added 4 appendixes on symbolism and allegories in the Qur'an, such as, Al-Muqatta'at (independent letters), Jinn and Night Journey. These are extremely useful appendixes.

Those who want to enter deeply into Tafsir literature must read Asad's commentary, as they should read other important tafsirs of the past and present.

Marriage: the Background

Marriage: the Background
By Dr Mohammed Asif Chaudry


Life is a transient passage in which we have to seize every opportunity to sincerely and selflessly seek the pleasure of Allah.

Within this life Allah has created Men and Women from a single soul and sanctified the bond of marriage so that they may support each other and live together to achieve the tranquility of their hearts, and to help each other in the worship of Allah, whether this is at a personal, family or social level. Marriage is the sunnah of the Prophet (saws) and the normal state for people who have achieved maturity, both for personal fulfillment and to build family, to be happy, have fun and unconditionally love another person who is to be your companion through the beauty and trials of life.

Marriage and nurturing a family - starting with your husband or wife - opens up a whole plain of opportunity to do good which is denied to those who are unmarried. In essence it is half your deen.

The relationship between a husband and wife is one of mutuality, interdependence, kindness and love for the sake of Allah while celebrating the differences that Allah has created. In essence either half of the pair needs to be proactive in caring for and meeting the needs of his or her partner.

A prerequisite for two people coming from different families and lives who wish to form a bond is a degree of flexibility and compromise. Each of them must place their trust in Allah, seeking to achieve the best in His way, even if one has to make sacrifices as far as his own will is concerned.

As a Muslim it is important to realise that however much we think our point of view is stronger than that of another, it is essential to internalise a degree of humility which says that ultimately only Allah knows where Hikma or wisdom lies. The story of Musa and Khidr in Surah Kahf is particularly relevant here. All we can do is to attempt to perfect our intentions and sincerity.

In assessing and evaluating whether or not you are suited to another person to take as your companion it is essential to firstly have a sense of tawakkul or reliance on Allah. Also as far as it is possible for humans, it is important to evaluate the strength of Islam, eeman and taqwa of the other person. You do this in order to establish which things motivate them in life and which things form the criteria by which they judge what to do in life. Will they be mindful of their relationship with Allah in their commitment to you, how to move forward in life and solve conflicting issues?

In many ways the process of assessing compatibility is about feeling in your interaction with another person that there could be an opportunity to build a committed relationship. Islamically it is encouraged that we physically see our potential spouse before marriage, as a sense of mutual interaction is important where there is no other acceptable outlet for intimacy. Ideally meetings should be held in the presence of family which sets a good precedent for the future relationship.

It is important to remember that while it is vital an informed decision is made before getting married, the assumption that seeking the western ideal of a premarital relationship is the way to achieve a full understanding of another person is fundamentally flawed. The true personality of the individuals and the dynamic of their relationship will only be seen when they feel fully free in a halal marital bond in which two lives are coming together in a fully committed relationship.

No one knows exactly what contexts the future is going to hold; all we can do is to attempt to make an assessment of the essence of the other person when they speak or perform in different situations. You may want to ask yourself the questions: Do I feel I can trust this person, would I like his/her company, can I envisage this person as my companion or the mother/father of my children?

Above all if you are to get married keep open but optimistic eyes in seeking the bounty of Allah, for this life is a transient experience to seize the opportunities Allah puts before us!


Dr Mohammed Asif Chaudry MA BM BCh (Oxon)
Northwick Park and St Mark's Hospitals
Harrow
London

Difference Between Nikah and Rukhsati (and Other Issues)

Difference Between Nikah and Rukhsati (and Other Issues)
Other Questions include: Seafood; Ghusl for Women; Converting from Christianity to Islam
By Dr. Muzammil H. Siddiqui
Reprinted from Pakistanlink.com

Question 1: Difference between Nikah and Rukhsati?

I was granted H1-B visa from US consulate in India. Then I immediately applied for my wife’s visa, so she could accompany me. But her visa request was declined because of US consulate’s objection: “Why was she not living with her husband from the day of Nikah?” Our Nikah took place on January 21, 1999 and Rukhsati was performed after 16 months for the convenience of both families. Would you please explain the difference between Nikah and Rukhsati and how practical are these customs in the light of Islamic teachings.

Answer 1:

In Islam marriage can take several steps:

1. Khitbah: This is engagement whereby the couples decide to get engaged for marriage at their convenient time. During this time they and their families try to know each other. Engagement is not married and the couples are not allowed to be alone with each other. It is forbidden for them to have intimate relations during this time. The parties can break the engagement without going through the process of divorce (talaq). They should return the engagement ring and other gifts. But they may not if there is mutual agreement and understanding.

2. Nikah: This is a formal, official and legal marriage. The Nikah is performed by the Imam, the official religious authority or any recognized person. It requires the presence of at least two witnesses, the Mahr (marital gift from the groom to his bride), the Khutbah of Nikah to join the couple together in the name of Allah. After Nikah the couple become husband and wife. In case the couple wants to break they have to have proper procedure of divorce (talaq). If the groom divorces he has to pay the half of the Mahr and return any gifts that he received from the bride’s family unless they do not want him to do so. There might be other marriage expenses and matters that they have to resolve with mutual agreement or through legal proceedings. The bride does not have to do any ‘Iddah (post divorce waiting period) if the marriage was not consummated.

3. Rukhsati: Literally it means “sending off”. This term is used in Indio-Pakistan area. In Shari’ah it is called “Zifaf”. In Arab countries it is commonly called “Dukhul” or “Dukhlah”. It means the consummation of marriage. Now the spouses can be alone and can have their intimate conjugal relations. Rukhsati takes place after the Nikah. After Rukhsati the spouses begin living together as husband and wife. In most cases the Rukhsati takes place within a few hours after Nikah, but sometimes families postpone the consummation of marriage or Rukhsati for a later time. They may do it for various social or personal reasons. Sometimes the consummation is delayed because the family wants to have a big party to invite many relatives and friends to celebrate their marriage. Sometimes couple decide to delay consummation because one or both spouses want to finish their studies or would like to make better arrangement for their residence etc. There could be many reasons for the postponement of consummation and it could be for few months or years. This is permissible in Islam.

4. Walimah: This is a special feast to which the groom and his family invite their relatives and friends as well as the bride’s family and friends and they celebrate the marriage. Walimah is Sunnah and highly recommended. It is a kind of formal announcement of the formation of this new family. The gifts are exchanged. In various countries Muslims have different customs of Walimah. It is not required to have the Walimah after Rukhsati. It can be done before Rukhsati or at the time of Rukhsati.

In some Muslim countries and communities there are some other customs but these four are the most common Muslim traditions in marriage.

It should be explained to US consulate that after the Nikah you both were formally and legally husband and wife. Because Rukhsati did not take place, it does not mean that you were not legally married. You are considered legally married person from the time your Nikah took place and you are entitled to apply for spousal visa.

Question 2: Eating Seafood?

I have heard many things about the standing of seafood in Islam. One person told me that we could only eat the fish that have scales, so that means no shark, whales, crawfish, etc. Another person told me that we could eat it all. Can you please tell me what is right?

Answer 2:

In the Qur’an Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala says, “Lawful to you is water game and its use for food - for the benefit of yourselves and those who travel, but forbidden is land game as long as you are in a state of Ihram (for Hajj or ‘Umrah). And fear Allah to whom you shall be gathered back.” (Al-Ma’idah 5:96) Some jurists interpret the word “ta’amuhu” (meaning the “food” from water source) as fish only. But other jurists take it to mean anything that lives in the water and is edible. The later is the majority opinion and it is closer to the language of the Qur’an. I am inclined to take the majority opinion. Majority of the jurists consider shrimps, shark, whale or any other type of seafood permissible. Wallah a’lam.

Question 3: Ghusl for Women?

If a woman is in need of a Fard (obligatory) bath, such as after the intercourse, she need not have a full bath, but she can sprinkle water 3 times on her head and pour water on her body. Can she do it everyday or she has to do it only if she cannot have a bath?

Answer 3:

For an obligatory bath, women do not have to open their braids, but the water must reach the roots of the hair. Mere sprinkling of the water is not sufficient. If the braids are too thick and they may prevent the water from reaching to her head then she has to open them. After menses and intercourse complete bath is necessary.

Question 4: Teaching Christians About Islam?

Please tell me what is the first step in converting a Christian to Islam? What is the easiest thing I can say or teach to invite them to Islam without offending them? Is there a book I can buy?

Answer 4:

Our job is to convey the message beautifully and clearly. It is Allah who guides whomsoever He wills. We should not say that we are “converting” someone. People convert themselves. It is a kind of “Tawbah” (repentance) and “Qubool” (acceptance) for them. They are turning to Allah and accepting the true faith.

When you speak to Christians, emphasize what Allah says in the Qur’an: “And argue not with the people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians), unless it be in (a way) that is better (with good words and in good manner, inviting them to Islamic Monotheism with His Verses), except with such of them as do wrong, and say (to them): “We believe in that which has been revealed to us and revealed to you; our Ilah (God) and your Ilah (God) is One (i.e. Allah), and to Him we have submitted (as Muslims)” (al-’Ankabut 29:46)

In order to explain the message of Islam to them, the first step is to emphasize Tawhid, the belief in the oneness of Allah Ta’ala. The principle of Tawhid must be very clear to them. Let them understand how wrong is shirk. It should be emphasize to them that we in Islam hold Jesus -peace be upon him- in great esteem and honor. We believe in him. But, at the same time, we must say that he was a human being, not God or the son of God. God has not sons, daughters, brothers or sisters. God is God and there is none like God. No human being was or is God and God does not take the form of humans or animals. If Tawhid becomes clear to their minds then it will be easy for them to accept other aspects of Islam.

There are a number of good introductory books on Islam available. One book that is quite useful is “Islam in Focus”, by Dr Hamoodah ‘Abdul’ Ati. This book was written primarily for people in the west who come from Christian backgrounds. This is found to be very helpful and effective for Da’wah.

Anger in the Family

Anger in the Family
By Layla A. Asamarai
Reprinted from IslamOnline.net
August 24, 2005




A burning ball of fire, an electric shock that conquers all, a darkness, a mania, an explosion, a ripping of one's heart. There are many expressions that we use to describe one of the most primal and controlling emotions that humans experience— anger. One of the reasons why I am addressing anger is because as Muslims experience more pain and oppression, the accumulation of unresolved anger has the potential of becoming harmful to the person harboring it and to others.

Natural Poison
To begin, let me point out that although anger is natural, that does not mean that it is healthy or worth cultivating. In my work as a psychotherapist with individuals who struggle with anger, I have come to understand the toxic nature of anger. Anger "management" is a societal concept that says, "we aren't asking you to get rid of your anger; we ask that you learn to manage it so it is not a public liability." This is a very important concept; however, for a person struggling with anger, it doesn't validate the pain and doesn't resolve the anger.



Sadness + Frustration = Anger

The story of anger begins in its hidden roots. Anger is what naturally happens when we experience sadness or disappointment. After this sadness stage, if we realize that we cannot change our emotional or life state and fear that our gloom will prevail, we get frustrated!

I have found that some clients are afraid of their sadness. They are afraid of crying, some because they're afraid they will never be able to stop; meanwhile others may be afraid that no one will understand their pain. Sadness is a vulnerable state that people fear; however, without some vulnerability, we become unapproachable and we lose our very human beauty. Sadness attracts people's natural inclinations towards help and understanding; conversely, anger overpowers the message that is being expressed by the angry person. When a person is shouting on a street corner, people mostly notice the anger and stay clear of him or her. A sad person weeping attracts others to try to understand the story of his or her sadness. A person expressing sadness gets his or her pain attended to; people tell the story of their pain.

People observing an angry person will better describe to you how the person yelled and what he or she physically did, instead of his or her plight and the voice of his or her pain.

How Anger Prevails

Now that we evaluate the general premises under which anger is cultivated, let us make use of this understanding. It is often thought that individuals who experience and express greater levels of anger have a nervous defect or are weak and flawed. I strongly disagree with this judgmental approach for understanding why some individuals struggle.

For some, the process of letting go to Allah or even to gain the help and guidance of others around us is easier than it is for others. Some have had more supportive upbringings where they could be helped if in trouble and the help was mostly dependable and adequate. However, for those who have not learned to lean on anyone or who have leaned only to fall through weak or absent arms, there hasn't been a learned process of relieving that frustration and sharing the sadness, and so they are more inclined towards anger.

Talking about anger in this way is not meant to ignite one's pains about the past. Instead it is meant to help to help detach negative judgments about why one person struggles with anger more than another.

You Are Not Your Anger

Anger is not a fixed trait like eye color! It is a learned behavior that was likely in some way adaptive for survival in childhood. Adulthood is about "trival," not so much survival, as we are no longer vulnerable to adults as we were when we were minor children. What was adaptive then (in childhood) is likely no longer adaptive in adulthood. People struggling with anger ought not focus their energy on feeling ashamed of the anger, as anger does not define them!

Free at Last

Getting free from the shackles of this destructive emotion requires that individuals evaluate anger's hold on them. Understanding sensitive issues that trigger a strong frustrated response is vital to breaking the seemingly automatic process in which anger is unleashed. Learning to lean on healthy people and allow others to help you is also vital to finding a healthy way to express frustration. It is always a good idea to practice talking about disappointments and frustrations and to listen to other people's caring responses.

We need to learn to give to Allah issues that we don't know how to resolve, so that we behaviorally illustrate our understanding of what we can and cannot reasonably do and submit ourselves to a higher and stronger power.



Undoing anger's ties is not something that is automatic or necessarily easy. It is a process that takes time to accomplish, and because I have seen it happen, I do believe that it is possible. Because undoing anger's ties takes time, I would encourage the following from the Hadith: Upon experiencing anger, we are encouraged to sit if we are standing; lie down if that doesn't work; make wudu' if that doesn't work; and perform prayer (salah) if that doesn't work.

Through this physical process of submitting our will to our Creator, we progressively release anger's deafening hold.

I am naturally a supporter of mental health counseling; however, I believe that at the forefront of all healing are therapeutic family, friendship, and community ties. If and when those naturally instilled therapeutic relationships are not enough to support the growth that needs to occur, then counseling is usually a viable option.



It is possible to be free of anger. There is no such thing as an angry person; rather, we are all people who at varying degrees struggle with angry emotions. It is to our betterment if we can learn to ban anger from speaking for us, acting for us, and being us! There is so much that we are and so much that we aspire to be, that it is a shame for us to define ourselves by the very emotion that smothers our voices and only extends hurt, fear, and pain to others.

The Philosopy of Marriage in Islam

The Philosopy of Marriage in Islam
by Yusuf Al-Qaradawi
Reprinted from Islam-Online.net
September 10, 2003

Question:

I have noticed that there is a trend of urging young people to refrain from marriage via numerous methods, including intimidating them as regards the responsibilities they are to shoulder as well as casting doubt over the institution of marriage itself. Is there a way to refute these allegations?

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear brother in Islam, we would like to thank you for your very interesting question and the great confidence you place in us. We implore Allah Almighty to help us serve His cause and render our work for His Sake.

Marriage in Islam is intended to cater to multiple purposes which include, above all, spiritual tranquility and peace, and cooperation and partnership in fulfilling the divine mandate. Islam - being a natural way of life - takes into account all of genuine human instincts such as physical, spiritual, intellectual, emotional, et cetera.

Although fulfilling one's physical needs in a decent manner is one of the main purposes of marriage, it is not the sole one. According to the clear statement of the Qur'an, tranquility and peace through a successful union is considered the primary objective of marriage: "Among His signs is that He created for you spouses of your own kind in order that you may repose to them in tranquility and He instilled in your hearts love and affection for one another; verily, in these are signs for those who reflect (on the nature of the reality)." (Ar-Rum: 21).

In another place, Allah refers to the relationship between males and females in terms of partnership for achieving goodness and fulfilling the divine mandate for their lives. "The believers, males and females, are partners of one another; they shall jointly enjoin all that is good and counsel against all that is evil." (At-Tawbah: 71)


Responding to the question in point, the eminent Muslim scholar, Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi, states:


Just as Islam aims at rearing a righteous individual, being the cornerstone in the social structure of the nation, it also seeks to establish a sound family, the prime and essential factor in building a good society. It is never disputed that marriage - that unites a man and a woman in solemn matrimony - is the foundation that gives rise to the family. There is no way a real or proper family could ever exist out of wedlock, the way that has been legislated by Allah, Exalted be He.

Perverted ideas opposing the institution of marriage:

Throughout the ages, humanity has come to learn of ideas and trends that oppose the idea of marriage. In Persia (now Iran), before the advent of Islam, there emerged Mani's philosophy, which claimed that the world abounds in evil, that it should be exterminated and that prohibiting marriage is the fastest way to effect this goal.

Under the banner of Christianity appeared extreme monasticism that denounces life, calls to getting incarcerated in monasteries and prohibiting marriage, because woman, they held, is a cause of temptation and a devil incarnate. Venturing near her is in itself a sin that corrupts a soul and alienates one from Heaven.

In modern times, there exist in the West pessimists who totally condemned woman, describing her as a serpent, with a soft touch but deadly venom. They further claim that marriage offers her the golden opportunity to place man under her thumb and shackle him with responsibilities. So why should man, out of his own free will, choose to place those chains around his neck though he was born free?

Unfortunately, some of our contemporary Muslim youth have been fallen prey to those perverted ideas, and thereupon decided to refrain from marriage that entails endless responsibilities, obligations and restrictions. They, on the other hand, wish to live their entire lives as children shouldering no responsibilities. If overcome by desire or the call of their instincts, vicious adultery will certainly quench their thirst in lieu of lawful marriage.

The objectives of marriage in Islam:

A) - According to the divine laws and norms, nothing can ever perform its duty single-handedly. Allah meant everything to be in need of another of its kind, so that one would complement the other. In the field of electricity, positive and negative poles need to be in contact so as to induce an electric current, which in turn, yields light, heat, motion, etc. Likewise, electrons and protons should be in contact inside an atom. In plants, pollen grain carrying male gametes fertilize a flower's stigma to produce more plants, fruits and seeds. Male and female animals have to be in contact in order to reproduce. The Glorious Qur'an highlights this universal law in the following two verses: "And all things We have created by pairs, that haply ye may reflect." (Adh-Dhariyat: 49) "Glory be to Him Who created all the sexual pairs, of that which the earth groweth, and of themselves, and of that which they know not." (Ya-Sin: 36) In response to this law, Allah, Exalted be He, has legislated a sublime tradition for a man and a woman to be united in such a way as befits the lofty status of human beings, namely through marriage.

Allah, Exalted be He, has inculcated in a man's heart a longing for a woman, and in a woman's heart a longing for a man. Each of them is driven by a far more exigent need than hunger or thirst. Each of them senses a definite emptiness in his or her life that can only be filled with their union, according to the divine laws, namely via marriage. Only then does stability replace confusion and reassurance does replace anxiety. Each of them finds in the other serenity, love and mercy that light their lives and enrich their souls. The following is one of Allah's glaring signs in our universe, which the Glorious Qur'an points to: "Among His signs is that He created for you spouses of your own kind in order that you may repose to them in tranquility and He instilled in your hearts love and affection for one another; verily, in these are signs for those who reflect (on the nature of the reality)." (Ar-Rum: 21)

B) - Reproduction is the natural outcome of marriage. It serves to prolong man's existence, thanks to the pious progeny that succeeds him. This is thus one of Allah's bounties which He grants man saying, "And Allah hath given you wives of your own kind, and hath given you, from your wives, sons and grandsons, and hath made provision of good things for you. Is it then in vanity that they believe and in the grace of Allah that they disbelieve?" (An-Nahl: 72)

It is also for this reason that Prophet Zakariyyah (Zachariah, peace be upon him) supplicated to Allah saying: "And Zachariah, when he cried unto his Lord: 'My Lord! Leave me not childless, though Thou art the best of inheritors.'" (Al-Anbiya': 89) and "Lo! I fear my kinsfolk after me, since my wife is barren. Oh, give me from Thy presence a successor. Who shall inherit of me and inherit (also) of the house of Jacob. And make him, my Lord, acceptable (unto Thee)." (Maryam: 5-6)

Similarly, Ibrahim (Abraham), the father of the Prophets (peace be upon him), prayed to Allah saying: "'My Lord! Vouchsafe me of the righteous.' So We gave him tidings of a gentle son." (As-Saffat: 100-101) and “Praise be to Allah Who hath given me, in my old age, Ishmael and Isaac! Lo! My Lord is indeed the Nearer of Prayer.” (Ibrahim: 29) The Glorious Qur'an describes the servants of Allah, the Most Gracious, as such: "And who say: Our Lord! Vouchsafe us comfort of our wives and of our offspring." (Al-Furqan: 74)

It is due to reproduction that the nation grows and multiplies, makes use of its potential and manages to combat its enemies. Few would suspect the fact that multitudes and masses of people are to be reckoned with when considering world power. Allah narrates what Prophet Shu`ayb (peace be upon him) told his people saying, "And remember, when ye were but few, how He did multiply you." (Al-A`raf: 86) Further, Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) says, "Get married (and reproduce) for I will boast of your large numbers in front of other nations (on Judgment Day) and do not lapse into Christians' monasticism." (Reported by al-Bayhaqi on the authority of Abu Umamah, and it is mentioned in al-Jami` as-Sahih)

Reproduction serves to preserve the entire human species all around the globe until the point when life comes to an end. Allah, Exalted be He, says, "O humankind! Be careful of your duty to your Lord Who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate and from them twain hath spread abroad a multitude of men and women." (An-Nisa': 1) and "O humankind! Lo! We have created you male and female, and have made `you nations and tribes that ye may know one another." (Al-Hujurat: 13)

C) - Marriage consummates one's faith, spares one looking at other women, enables one to preserve his chastity and offers one a lawful means to satisfy his sexual desire. Adultery is, therefore, no longer an option. That is why the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) spoke of marriage saying, "It spares one looking at what one should not, or lapsing in adultery." He (peace and blessings be upon him) also said, "If Allah grants a Muslim a righteous wife, this helps him preserve half of his religion (faith). He should, therefore, fear Allah as regards the other half." (Reported by At-Tabarani and Al-Hakim, and Al-Mundhri states in At-Targhib that it is an authentic hadith with a good chain of narrators)

D) - Not only does marriage help a Muslim preserve his faith, it is also the indispensable pillar of worldly happiness which Islam encourages its followers to enjoy so that nothing would distract them from the ultimate goal of uplifting their souls and attaining high degrees of spirituality. Imam Muslim reports that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "The whole world is pleasure, and the best pleasure of the world is the righteous woman." The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is also reported to have said: "Four things bring joy: a righteous wife, a spacious house, a pious neighbor and a comfortable riding animal." (Reported by Al-Hakim, Abu-Nu`aym and Al-Bayhaqi)

E) - Marriage is the sole means of establishing a family, the nucleus of society. No respectable human society could ever exist, if not based on the family. Shaded by the close relations of motherhood, fatherhood as well as parent-child and siblings relations, warm feelings of love, altruism, mercy, care and cooperation are instilled in a Muslim.

F) - Social relations are bolstered with the aid of marriage, whereby scope of family expands including his in-laws and his children's aunts and uncle. That way feelings of amity, love and social closeness extend to include more and more people. Allah meant relations by marriage to be just as strong as kinship relations. Allah, Exalted be He, says, "And He it is Who hath created man from water, and hath appointed for him kindred by blood and kindred by marriage; for thy Lord is ever Powerful." (Al-Furqan: 54)

G) - Marriage matures a man's character through the responsibilities he has to shoulder, as a husband and a father, and similarly matures a woman's character through the responsibilities she has to shoulder, as a wife and a mother. As we have just explained, many men refrain from marriage simply because they wish to live as grown-up children with no ties to bind them, no house to unite them or responsibilities they are to undertake. Such people are not fit; they are good for nothing. Marriage is thus a strong commitment and a shared responsibility between a man and a woman since their first day together.

Allah, Exalted be He, says, "And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise." (Al-Baqarah: 228) "Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath men the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded." (An-Nisa': 34)

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: "Everyone of you is a guardian and responsible for those in his charge; the man, in his home, is a guardian and responsible for his household; the woman, concerning her husband's property, is a guardian and responsible for what she is entrusted with." (Agreed upon hadith) The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) also said, "Man would be committing a huge sin if he were to ruin whomever he supports." (Reported by Ahmad, Abu Dawud, Al-Hakim and Al-Bayhaqi on the authority of Ibn `Umar) The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) further noted, "Allah shall ask every guardian about what he has been entrusted with, whether he preserved or ruined it." (Reported by An-Nasa'i and Ibn Hibban on the authority of Anas) He (peace and blessings be upon him) also said, "One's spouse is entitled to certain rights." (Agreed upon Hadith, reported on the authority of Ibn `Umar)

H) - Having got married, a man can focus on perfecting his work, reassured that there is someone back home who disposes of his affairs, preserves his money and takes care of his children. He can thus do his job properly. This stands in sharp contrast to another whose mind is preoccupied and who is torn apart between his work and home, his job and the burden of securing his food and clothes back home.


You can also read:


Is Marriage Obligatory? (coming soon on this site Insha'Allah)


Allah Almighty knows best.

Marriage: Purpose and Obligation

Marriage: Purpose and Obligation
This is a long and very comprehensive article reprinted from Islamic-World.net. It is an excellent guide to the process of finding and courting a potential spouse.

Definition of Marriage

Nikah is an Arabic term used for marriage. It means "contract" ("aqd in Arabic). The Quran specifically refers to marriage as "mithaqun ghalithun," which means "a strong covenant".

"...and they have taken a strong pledge (mithaqun ghalithun) from you?" (Quran 4:21)
The seriousness of this covenant becomes obvious when one finds the same tern i.e., Mithaqun Ghalithun, being used for the covenant made between Allah and the Prophet before granting them the responsibility of the Prophethood. (Quran 33:7)

The Quran also uses the Arabic word "Hisn" suggesting "fortress" for marriage. Marriage is considered the fortress of chastity.
The Purpose of Marriage

As a meaningful institution, marriage has two main purposes:

1. To ensure preservation of the human species and continuation of the human race,

"O mankind! Be careful of your duty to your Lord, who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate and from them has spread abroad a multitude of men and women" (Quran: 4:1)
2. To provide spiritual and legal foundation of the family,
"And of His Signs is this: He created for you mates from yourself that you might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Lo, therein indeed are portents for folk who reflect". (Quran 30:21)
Through Marriage, the conjugal relationship between a man and a woman becomes lawful. It provides a legitimate outlet for recreation as well as procreation. Islam regards sex as natural and good, but restricts it to the partners of marriage so as to ensure the responsibility for its consequences.
"Your women are a tilth for you so go to your tilth as you will, and send (good deeds) before you for your souls, and fear Allah, and know that you will (one day) meet him. Give glad tidings to believers, (O Muhammad)." (Quran 2:223)
Marriage provides spiritual, physical, emotional and psychological companionship. This companionship generates and sustains love, kindness, compassion, mutual confidence, solace and succor (sakinah). It lays a spiritual and legal foundation for raising a family. The children born of the matrimonial union become legitimate and mutual rights of inheritance are established.
Marriage: A Religious Requirement

Marriage in Islam is recommended as a religious requirement.

"Marry those among you who are single and (marry) your slaves, male and female, that are righteous" (Quran 24:32)
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) declared:
"When the servant of Allah marries, he has fulfilled half the (responsibilities laid on him by the) faith; so let him be God conscious with respect to the other half". (Mishkat)
Marriage has also been commended as the way of the prophets.
"We indeed sent messengers before you (O Muhammad), and We assigned them wives and children". (Quran 13:38)
Marriage, in fact, is specifically considered the tradition (sunnah) of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) when he declared:
"Marriage is my Sunnah, whoever disregards my (sunnah) path is not from among us". (ibn Majah)
Islam discourages celibacy and encourages marriage, as Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) recommended:
"Whoever is able to marry, should marry". (Bukhari)
What Are The Benefits Of Marriage?
1. Fulfillment of deen (the full practice of religion) is accomplished through marriage. In Islam, we recognize that marriage is the state to which we aspire - a situation that supports, in every aspect, our attainment of the state that will please our Creator. To fulfill the role Allah (SWT) designed specifically for us, marriage is important. It is through marriage that these roles are fulfilled. Anas bin Malik reported that the Prophet (PBUH) said,

"When a man marries, he indeed perfects half of his religion. Then he should fear Allah for the remaining half." (Bukhari)
2. For women, marriage provides support and protection,
"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given one more (strength) than the other and because they support them from their means. Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard" (Ali Imran:34-36).
3. Satisfying sexual desires/needs may only be accomplished through marriage. As Muslims, we understand that sex outside of marriage is forbidden and considered a major sin. Therefore, sexual desires may only be satisfied within a marriage. Marriage provides protection from sin,
"They (wives) are like garments for you, and you are like garments for them" (Al Baqarah:187).
4. Marriage provides companionship,
"...the companion by your side (the wife)." (Al Nisaa:36)
For Muslims, it is clear that the trend to delay or skip marriage is prohibited, and with good reason. Marriage still remains the trend in Muslim communities. This provides for the safety and security of women and children. It provides a safeguard against sexual sin for the man as well as for the woman. It provides two-parent homes for children and strong ethics that will support a lifestyle that is consistent with the practice of Islam. It provides loving and kind companionship. This is the way of Muslims.
Islam provides clear and ideal direction for all aspects of life. This is a perfect example of those directions. The religion tells Muslims to marry early. It provides clear guidelines for husbands and wives and, as they become parents, for parenting and for the behaviour of children. There is no guesswork in the process.


7 Etiquettes of Seeking a Spouse: An Islamic Perspective

1. Ask yourself: "Why am I getting married?"

"Because all of my friends are" is not a legitimate reason. This is a good question to ask even if you are meeting the person to make a final decision because it will be a reminder about the real purpose of marriage from an Islamic perspective.

Marriage, from an Islamic perspective, is part of faith and it is part of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh). As well, "My intention should be I am looking for someone with whom I will build a family," says Imam Muhammad Nur Abdullah of St. Louis, Missouri, a member of the North American Fiqh Council. He has conducted pre-marriage counseling in the U.S. for the last 20 years.

"Marriage is a commitment and relationship that starts in this Dunya (world) and will continue Insha Allah in Paradise together," he adds.

2. Ask yourself: What am I looking for in a spouse?

Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet Muhammad said: "Men choose women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank, for their beauty and for their religion, but marry one who is religious and you will succeed." (Bukhari, Muslim).

This of course, applies to women as well. However, religion it seems, is not always foremost in the minds of many people. In fact, it is probably the last factor on many Muslims' list.

According to Tasneem Qadeer, one of the seven volunteers who runs the Islamic Society of North America's matrimonial service, being a doctor or a lawyer is much more important to many Muslim women than piety.And the men are not any better. Many matrimonial advertisements for instance, demonstrate a key demand for a wife who has to be fair, slim and beautiful.

If we want to have healthy Muslim families then Deen has to be first, says Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe.She is one of the co-developers of the program Marriage the Islamic way, which teaches various aspects of marriage such as how to find a spouse, the wedding and the post-wedding marriage relationship with your spouse.

3. If you're looking for a spouse, lower your gaze.

This may seem like a contradiction, but it's not. Looking for a spouse who has the right qualities and whom you are physically attracted to does not mean throwing out the obligation to lower the gaze for both sexes and leering or ogling the person.

"Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allah is aware of what they do." (Quran 24:30)

"And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms..." (Quran 24:31)
This perspective (staring or leering) would not be Islamically acceptable. Imam Nur Abdullah noted that looking at a potential mate is recommended according to the Hadith. Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah the Prophet said: "When one of you asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so...." (Abu Dawud).

This means the two potential spouses can look at each other but not ogle or stare. Abdullah also noted that there is no limit on the number of times the two people can look at each other. However, both should fear Allah and remember the purpose of this is to satisfy the need for physical attraction to the person you are marrying. He also notes it is not permissible for a man to see a potential wife without Hijab, since he is not her Mahram (a relative with whom marriage is not possible, or legally her husband). Abdullah says seeing her face and hands are enough to determine attraction.

4. Get someone to help.

"Marriage is not something to throw yourself into all by yourself. Getting the help of someone, especially parents, relatives, an Imam, and/or respected and trustworthy members of the Muslim community to either look for the right spouse and initiate and participate in a communication process is very important.

In fact, even some non-Muslims have come to see this as a more viable way of meeting someone instead of getting involved in the disappointing dating game or picking someone up in a nightclub or bar. Involving others, by the way, does not mean signing over your right to say yes or no to a marriage proposal. It simply increases the likelihood of finding out important information about a prospective partner in a way that maintains rules of Islamic modesty (i.e. not meeting alone, see next point).

Getting that third party involved also helps verify if the person you are interested in is decent, honest and respectful. This person(s) often checks out references, asks about the individual's character and behaviour, and looks out for your best interest in general.
This person should be a trustworthy Muslim, since you are seeking a Muslim in marriage, and would want someone familiar with the Islamic way of doing things. For those blessed with Muslim parents, remember that they are probably your best allies and helpers in seeking the right husband or wife. They have known you all of your life, and have your best interest at heart.

However, parents must be open and attentive to what their children are looking for, and never forget the element of choice. Ultimately, it is their son or daughter who is going to make the final decision. They must never become too pushy or aggressive, whether this pressure is being applied on their own son or daughter, or on the person s/he is interested in.

If parents, other family members, an Imam or members of the community are not available, you can also try seeking a husband or wife through the matrimonial services offered by a number of different Muslim organizations.

5. Always ask for references

This is also where your "third party" comes in handy. Not only will they be able to be your reference, they can also check out a prospective mate's references. A reference can include an Imam who knows the brother who proposed to you, a sister who knows the woman you may want to marry well, a family friend, a boss, a co-worker, and/or business partner.

A note about honesty and references: the people you ask may know something not very nice about your prospective spouse. Remind them that if they reveal this information, they would not be backbiting from the Islamic perspective. In fact, in the case of seeking marriage, complete information should be given about an individual, both good and bad.

The advice of one of the companions of the Prophet, Umar Ibn al-Khattab can help in this regard:

A man came to Umar ibn al-Khattab and spoke in praise of another. Umar asked him: "Are you his nearest neighbor such that you know his goings and his comings?"

"No."

"Have you been his companion on a journey so that you could see evidence of his good character?"

"No."

"Have you had dealings with him involving dinars and dirhams (money) which would indicate the piety of the man?"

"No."

"I think you saw him standing in the mosque muttering the Quran and moving his head up and down?"

"Yes."

"Go, for you do not know him..."

And to the man in question, Umar said,

"Go and bring me someone who knows you."

(quoted from Islam The Natural Way by Abdul Wahid Hamid, p. 66)

This gives you three types of people you can ask about a prospective mate's character: a neighbor, business colleague or someone who has traveled with them.

6. When you meet, don't be alone.

Umar related that Rasulullah said: "Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Shaytan makes a third." (Tirmidhi).

Also, Ibn Abbas related that Rasulullah said: "Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative within the prohibited degrees." (Bukhari, Muslim).

Meeting alone - for example, in the hotel room of one or the other potential spouse - is forbidden. The two cannot be in a situation where no one else can see or hear them. Instead, a discreet, chaperoned meeting should be set up. The chaperone, while allowing the two to talk, is in the same room, for example. As well, parents or guardians should set a time limit, recommends Winnipeg-based social worker Shahina Siddiqui. A whole day, for example, is too long for this kind of a meeting.

7. When you speak, be businesslike and to the point.

The purpose of meeting and talking to each other must also remain within Islamic guidelines. That means no flirtatious speech of a sexual nature on either side.

Imam Nur Abdullah says some of the topics discussed can include each other's interests, financial situation of the man, who is Islamically responsible for providing for his wife and children, and the two potential spouses' relationships with their parents.

He notes that conversations between potential mates cannot be talking just for the sake of talking. There should be a firm and clear intention of either pursuing engagement and marriage, or, if one of the `two or both the man and woman feel they are not compatible, a quick end to the relationship. This ensures both sides are safe from getting hurt more than they could in this kind of a situation and remain within the bounds of Islam, Insha Allah.

With regards to questions pertaining to a person's sexual history (for example, has s/he had a boy/girlfriend, does s/he have any type of sexually transmitted diseases), Imam Nur Abdullah says these things have to be investigated at the very beginning, when the communication for marriage begins. This is not something that should be brought up at the last stage.

Other topics that should also be discussed at the early stages include level of Islamic knowledge and practice, future career and education plans, home making skills and where the couple will live right after marriage and in the future (state and/or country). The Imam also says the couple can even get a blood test to ensure both are healthy. Some states even require this before marriage.

Seeking marriage is something highly recommended in Islam. While looking for a potential mate should be something Muslims help each other with, this cannot be done at the expense of Islamic rules pertaining to modesty and respect between the sexes.


How to Help Muslims Get Married: Tips for Parents and Imams

Sad but shocking reality: the divorce rate amongst Muslims in North America is one of the highest in the world. According to New York-based Muslim sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus, Muslims in Canada and the U.S. have a divorce rate of 33 percent. The world's highest is the general U.S. population's of 48.6 percent, followed by the United Kingdom's of 36 percent.

Many assume divorce means problems began in the course of the marriage, whether it was communication breakdown or irreconcilable differences.

But there are many difficulties that lead to divorce which could have been avoided right from the beginning. This could have happened if individuals, parents, guardians and Imams had played their role right when communication between two Muslims seeking marriage began.

Below, we give you some tips and advice of what you can do:


HOW PARENTS CAN HELP:

The older woman noticed her instantly.

The twenty-something girl was an American Muslima, her white skin and Caucasian features bore testimony to that. She was perfect for her dear son Muhsin. As she walked closer to her, she noticed the young woman talking to someone of a darker complexion. The woman rushed up. "Assalamu alaykum," she said smiling at the American Muslima.

"Wa alaykum as Salaam," replied the sister and her friend in unison, both a bit startled by the enthusiasm and ardor with which they were being greeted.

"I would like you to marry my son," said the woman barely inches away from the American Muslima, and making no eye contact at all with her friend.

"But, but why?" she stammered.

"Because you are white and you are wearing a Jelbab. You will make a perfect wife for my Muhsin!" (This is based on a true story, in which the ethnicity of two of the people involved has been changed).

While some would be surprised at the candor and bluntness of the older woman in the above-mentioned scenario, such scenes are not uncommon. Many parents seem to think approaching a prospect out of the blue will "reserve" this person for their son/daughter. If you as a parent want to play an effective role in helping your children seek the right mate, things have to be done differently.

1. Understand your role

Your role as a mother or father is not to be the final arbiter of your child's marriage. This may be how marriages were arranged "back home" in a Muslim country, but it is not the Islamic way. Nor is this way acceptable to most Muslims who have grown up in the West. That said, the parents have a tremendous responsibility in the process. They:

Suggest individuals as prospective spouses.
Thoroughly screen and check proposals, call references.
Act as the third party between the two candidates.
2. Talk to your kids about what you both want
Winnipeg, Canada-based Muslim social worker Shahina Siddiqui says parents have to sit down with their kids and openly discuss what kind of husband or wife s/he is looking for. You may live in the same household as your children and think you know them inside out, but many parents are shocked to find their kids' ideas about who they want to marry can be drastically different from what they expected.

Marrying cousin X or Y from "back home" may just not be acceptable. Or the nice boy or girl from the local cultural community who is highly educated and very well-off financially may be of little interest to a son or daughter because of their lack of Islamic knowledge and practice.

Open-mindedness and clear communication may reveal a side of your kids that may be hard to swallow. However, you must remember that marriage primarily affects the two people involved in the relationship. They must like the person they are marrying.

3. Clearly outline the rules of meeting a potential mate

Siddiqui says parents must set boundaries as to how and when they will meet prospective candidates. Too often, Muslims stray by thinking seeking a mate is an excuse to engage in dating. Dating occurs when a man and a woman spend time alone together. This is usually not with the intention of getting involved in a long-term or serious relationship. It is just to "have fun." There is little to no serious discussion of future plans and/or the intention to marry.

Dating sometimes occurs between two Muslims seeking marriage if they decide go out alone, with no third party present, in order to "get to know each other." This can also develop through hours of unnecessary phone or e-mail conversations.

Setting the boundaries of meeting a prospective mate is your responsibility as a Muslim parent. The rules to remember include the following: the meeting must be chaperoned so the two are not alone together, both prospective partners are lowering the gaze and both are sticking to the topic in the course of discussions. One suggestion Siddiqui gives in this regard is to avoid late night meetings between prospective candidates and chaperones because at the end of the day, people are tired and their defenses are down. For this kind of a meeting, all parties need to be very alert.

4. Give an allotted time for the meeting

Meetings between prospective spouses must not last for an extremely long time, like being away most of the day to meet this person. Parents should give an allotted time for the two to meet and talk.

5. Investigate thoroughly

One of the reasons for many divorces is the lack of proper investigation of a prospective marriage partner before marriage.

Parents have this heavy responsibility of finding out as much as possible about the individual who will possibly spend the rest of their life with their son or daughter. Investigation does not mean just asking two or three family friends or community members. Deeper digging is necessary.

The case of one Imam's daughter in the U.S. serves as a chilling example. This Imam asked a Muslim brother to check out a boy who was seeking marriage with his daughter. On the surface, all seemed fine. But upon further investigation it was discovered that he drinks alcohol. This fact was also confirmed by two other Muslims. The mediator in this case told Sound Vision that he never would have guessed, looking at the boy, that he drinks.

Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe provides another good way of fact checking on a proposal.

One sister she knows received a proposal from a brother who lived in a different city. To check this prospective mate out, one of her relatives went to the mosque this person attends and observed and talked to him without him knowing he was her relative. Her relative found the brother unsuitable and let her know about this.

6. Be honest

Parents as well as individuals looking for a spouse must be honest with regards to their credentials, background and other pertinent details about their personal lives.

Inflating your son or daughter's educational credentials, for example, will only backfire when checking reveals this is untrue.

7. Take your time

Siddiqui stresses the importance of not rushing a son or daughter into marriage. If you find someone for your son or daughter at a two-day Islamic conference, for example, and this is the initiation of the process, more time must be given to checking facts and references.

Ideally, she says references should always be asked for and checked out before meeting in person. And this goes for boys and girls.

8. Never be pushy

Another true story:

A young Muslim sister, practicing, Hijab-wearing, bright (she was studying at one of America's most prestigious universities) stepped in front of a moving train in Chicago and killed herself.

Why?

Because her parents refused to listen to what she was looking for in a husband. They wanted to hand pick and completely decide who she would spend the rest of her life with.

This incident is an extreme example of the kind of pressure some parents apply to get their kids to marry the "right one", often in complete variance with what the young man or woman is looking for.

Needless to say, this is not condoned by Islam. Neither is suicide as a way out of difficult situations.

Another form of pressure is put on those who are given a proposal. It is not uncommon to see sisters or their parents pursued by the parents of others who are interested in their son or daughter. This can even reach the level of harassment at times.

Forced marriages are not only unIslamic. They pose a danger to your children's future, as well as that of your grandchildren. Would you want your grandchildren to experience the pain and emotional turmoil of a divorce which could have been avoided if both parties had had more say in the choice of a partner?


HOW IMAMS CAN HELP

Imams in North America do more than deliver a weekly Khutbah and lead prayer. They are, whether they and others realize it or not, responsible for their community's emotional and psychological well-being as well.

So Imams don't just officiate marriages. They have to become involved with them as well. This role can take three main forms.

1. Being a guardian for sisters

Alhamdulillah, a large number of those converting to Islam are women. Most of these sisters should and do seek marriage with a Muslim. The problem though, is that they don't have the family support needed in seeking the right mate. In most cases they have been cast out of their families because of their conversion to Islam, or they just don't want non-Muslim family members involved in their marriage decisions.

This is where you, as an Imam, must step in. These sisters need to have a third party to advise and mediate on their behalf. Being new to the Muslim community, they don't usually know who is who and can be easily deceived. These Muslim women must be protected against abuse and deception on the part of men who may take advantage of their lack of knowledge of the community.
Imams should not wait for a sister to approach them. Once you see such a Muslima inquire discreetly if you can help in this important area of her life. She may feel shy asking you directly, so you may have to take the first step.

2. Vouching for good brothers

An Imam is a great reference for a brother who regularly attends a mosque and is Islamically involved. Helping practicing, honest and decent brothers marry with your "stamp of approval" will possibly increase their chances of getting married. Many Muslim women's parents and third party will feel more of a sense of assurance if an Imam vouches for a brother than if a friend or relative does.

3. Providing the right information

The Imam is also the best person to ask to confirm someone's Islamic practice. A brother may say he attends Mosque X in city Y, but this can only really be confirmed by the Imam there, who knows, for example who attends which prayers in congregation, who comes only at Juma or only on Eid.

As well, Imams are often asked for help by Muslims in their mosque and are keenly aware of their problems at some level. This can also help a third party seeking information about a prospective candidates who attends your mosque.

4. A note about Gheebah (backbiting)

While backbiting is generally forbidden by Islam, marriage investigations are an exception to this rule. As an Imam, you may be told information about a person in confidence: financial problems, family abuse, drug and/or alcohol consumption, etc. While these and other problems should remain the business of the individual who has told you in general, in the case of marriage, you must provide complete information about someone you know has a problem.

If a father wants to know about the character of a brother who has proposed to his daughter, and you as an Imam know this brother does drugs, drinks, lies or steals, you must tell this father. His daughter's life is at stake here.

Seeking the right husband or wife is something to be commended for. It is also the responsibility of the Muslim community to help those who are seeking marriage in fulfilling this Sunnah and part of our faith.


SELECTING A MARRIAGE PARTNER

Marriage is recommended for partners who share a common way of life. The matrimonial partners should be able to fulfill their purpose of creation as defined by Allah. They should be able to effectively carry out their responsibility as care-takers (khalifah) of earth. They should share the common goal of building a well integrated Muslim community and be able to work harmoniously towards it.

Criteria for Selecting a Marriage Partner

Normally the criteria for selecting matrimonial mates are many: wealth, beauty, rank, character, congeniality, compatibility, religion, etc. The Quran enjoins Muslims to select partners who are good and pure (tayyib)

"Women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity." (Quran 24:26)
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) recommended Muslims to select those partners who are best in religion (din) and character.
"A man may married for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper". (Bukhari and Muslim)
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) assured the bounty of Allah to those who wish to get married and live a pure and clean life.
"Three groups of people Allah obliged Himself to help them: Mujahid in the cause of Allah, a worker to pay his debt, and the one who wants to marry to live a chaste life." (Tirmidhi)
Freedom to Choose a Marriage Partner
Islam has given freedom of choice to those who wish to get married. The mutual choice of the would-be-spouses is given the highest consideration:

"Do not prevent them from marrying their husbands when they agree between themselves in a lawful manner." (Quran 2:232)
The process of mate selection should be a function of a healthy balance between the freedom of choice of the would-be-spouses and consideration of the influence and consent of the parents/guardians.
The freedom of choice of those who wish to get married should not preclude the influence and consent of the parents/guardians nor should the parents/guardians ignore the wishes and consent of the would be spouses.

Falling in love is not a pre-condition for marriage in Islam. However, for the purpose of selecting an appropriate mate, the would-be- spouses are allowed to see and/or talk to each other.

Prophet Muhammad (S) recommended:

"When one of you seeks a woman in marriage, and then if he is able to have a look at whom he wishes to marry, let him do so". (Abu Dawood)
The would-be-spouse are allowed to see each other for matrimonial purposes under the direct supervision of their mahram relatives. This provision is expected to be conceived and executed with piety and modesty.
Prophet Muhammad (S) instructed:

"No man has the right to be in the privacy with a woman who is not lawful for him. Satan is their third party unless there is a mahram". (Ahmad)
The would-be-spouses residing in non-Muslim societies are recommended to enter into a pre-nuptial commitment to safeguard Islamic values and Muslim personal law.

The Qu'ran on Marriage

The Qu'ran on Marriage


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2:221 (Surah Al-Baqara): Do not marry idolatresses until they believe: a believing slave woman is certainly better than an idolatress, even though she may please you. And do not give your woman in marriage to idolaters until they believe: a believing slave is certainly better than an idolater, even though he may please you.

2:226 - 231 (Surah Al-Baqara): For those who swear that they will not approach their wives, there shall be a waiting period of four months: if they go back, remember God will be most forgiving and merciful, but if they are determined to divorce, remember that God hears and knows all. Divorced women must wait for three monthly periods before remarrying, and, if they really believe in God and the Last Day, it is not lawful for them to conceal what God has created in their wombs: their husbands would do better to take them back during this period, provided they wish to put things right. Wives have [rights] similar to their [obligations], according to what is recognised to be fair, and husbands have a degree [of right] over them: [both should remember that] God is almighty and wise.

Divorce can happen twice, and [each time] wives either be kept on in an acceptable manner or released in a good way. It is not lawful for you to take back anything that you have given [your wives], except where both fear that they cannot maintain [the marriage] within the bounds set by God: if you [arbiters] suspect the couple may not be able to do this, then there will be no blame on either of them if the woman opts to give something for her release. These are the bounds set by God: do not overstep them. It is those who overstep God's bounds who are doing wrong. If a husband re-divorces his wife after the second divorce, she will not be lawfull for him until she has taken another husband; if that one divorces her, there will be no blame if she and the first husband return to one another, provided that they feel that they can keep within the bounds set by God. These are God's bounds, which He makes clear for those who know.

When you divorce women and they have reached their set time, then either keep or release them in a fair manner. Do not hold on to them with intent to harm them and commit aggression: anyone who does this wrongs himself.

4:234 - 237 (Surah Al-Baqara): If any of you die and leave widows, the widows should wait for four months and ten nights before remarrying. When they have completed this set time, you will not be blamed for anything they they may reasonably choose to do with themselves. God is fully aware of what you do. You will not be blamed whether you give a hint that you wish to marry these women, or keep it to yourselves - God knows that you intend to propose to them. Do not make a secret arrangement with them; speak to them honourably and do not confirm the marriage tie until the prescribed period reaches its end. Remember that God knows what is in your souls, so be mindful of Him. Remember that God is most forgiving and forbearing.

You will not be blamed if you divorce women when you have not yet consummated the marriage or fixed a bride-gift for them, but make fair provision for them, the rich according to his means and the poor according to his - this is a duty for those who do good. If you divorce wives before consummating the marriage but after fixing a bride-gift for them, then give them half of what you had previously fixed, unless they waive [their right], or unless the one who holds the marriage tie waives [his right]. Waiving [your right] is nearer to godliness, so do not forget to be generous towards one another: God sees what you do.

4:240 - 241 (Surah Al-Baqara): If any of you die and leave widows, make a bequest for them: a year's maintenance and no expulsion from their homes. But if they leave of their own accord, you will not be blamed for what they may reasonably choose to do themselves: God is almighty and wise. Divorced women shall also have such maintenance as is considered fair: this is a duty for those who are mindful of God.

4:22 - 24 (Surah Al-Nisah): Do not marry women that your fathers married - with the exception of what is past - this is indeed a shameful thing to do, loathsome and leading to evil. You are forbidden to take as wives your mothers, daughters, sisters, paternal and maternal aunts, nieces, your milk-mothers and milk-sisters, your wives' mothers, the stepdaughters in your care - those born of women with whom you have consummated marriage, if you have not consummated the marriage, then you will not be blamed - wives of your begotten sons, two sisters simultaneously - with the exception of what is past: God is most forgiving and merciful - women already married, other than your slaves. God has ordained all of this for you. Other women are lawful to you, so long as you seek them in marriage, with gifts from your property, looking for wedlock rather than fornication. If you wish to enjoy women through marriage, give them your bride-gift - this is obligatory - though if you should choose mutually, after fulfilling this obligation, to do otherwise, you will not be blamed: God is all knowing and wise.

4:34 (Surah Al-Nisah): Husbands should take good care of their wives, with [the bounties] God has given to some more than others and with what they spend out of their own money. Righteous wives are devout and guard what God would have them guard in their husbands' absence.

5:5 (Surah Al-Ma'ida): The food of the People of the Book is lawful for you as your food is lawful for them. So are chaste, believing women as well as chaste women of the people who were given the Scripture before you, as long as you have given them their bride-gifts and married them, not taking them as lovers or secret mistresses.

33:49 - 50 (Surah Al-Ahzab): Believers, you have no right to expect a waiting period when you marry believing women and then divorce them before you have touched them: make provision for them and release them in an honourable way. Prophet, we have made lawful for you the wives whose bride-gift you have paid, and any slaves God has assigned to you through war, and the daughters of your uncles and aunts on your father's and mother's sides, who migrated with you.

60:10 -11 (Surah Al-Mumtahana): You who believe, test the believing women when they come to you as emigrants - God knows best about their faith - and if you are sure of their belief, do not send them back to the disbelievers: they are not lawful wives for them, nor are the disbelievers their lawful husbands. Give the disbelievers whatever bride-gifts they have paid - if you choose to marry them, there is no blame on you once you have paid their bride-gifts - and do not yourselves hold on to marriage ties with disbelieving women. Ask for repayment of the bride-gifts you have paid, and let the disbelievers do the same. This is God's judgement: He judges between you, God is all knowing and wise. If any of you have wives who leave you for the disbelievers, and if your community subsequently acquires from them, then pay those whose wives have deserted them the equivalent of whatever bride-gift they paid. Be mindful of God, in whom you believe.

How to Make Your Wife Happy

How to Make Your Wife Happy
by Sheikh Mohammed Abdelhaleem Hamed



(NOTE: To help strengthening the Muslim families and spread the teachings of Islam
in building families, the Muslim Students' Association at the University of
Alberta prepared a extremely summarized translation for two books. The
books are Arabic by Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed. An Egyptian scholar,
who graduated from the Islamic University of AlMadinah Al-Munawwarah in
Saudi Arabia. The two books are:

1- How to make your wife happy
2- How to make your husband happy

They exceed the traditional presentation of stating rights and duties to the 'Adab (good
manners) and extend into application of these rights in daily life. The
following summary highlights mainly the responsibilities or examples of what
could or should be done. Every single item mentioned by the author is
supported by evidences from Qur'an, Sunnah or the actions of the companions,
but evidences are omitted in this translation.)

---------------------------------------------

1. Beautiful Reception

After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you:
* begin with a good greeting.
* Start with Assalamau 'Aliaykum and a smile. Salam is a sunnah and a du'aa for her as well.
* Shake her hand and leave bad news for later!

2. Sweet Speech and Enchanting Invitations

* Choose words that are positive and avoid negative ones.
* Give her your attention when you speak of she speaks.
* Speak with clarity and repeat words if necessary until she understands.
* Call her with the nice names that she likes, e.g. my sweet-heart, honey, saaliha, etc.

3. Friendliness and Recreation

* Spend time talking together.
* Spread to her goods news.
* Remember your good memories together.

4. Games and Distractions

* Joking around & having a sense of humor.
* Playing and competing with each other in sports or whatever.
* Taking her to watch permissible (halal) types of entertainment.
* Avoiding prohibited (haram) things in your choices of entertainment.

5. Assistance in the Household

* Doing what you as an individual can/like to do that helps out, especially if she is sick or tired.
* The most important thing is making it obvious that he appreciates her hard work.

6. Consultation (Shurah)

* Specifically in family matters.
* Giving her the feeling that her opinion is important to you.
* Studying her opinion carefully.
* Be willing to change an opinion for hers if it is better.
* Thanking her for helping him with her opinions.

7. Visiting Others

* Choosing well raised people to build relations with. There is a great reward in visiting relatives and pious people. (Not in wasting time while visiting!)
* Pay attention to ensure Islamic manners during visits.
* Not forcing her to visit whom she does not feel comfortable with.

8. Conduct During Travel

* Offer a warm farewell and good advice.
* Ask her to pray for him.
* Ask pious relatives and friends to take care of the family in your absence.
* Give her enough money for what she might need.
* Try to stay in touch with her whether by phone, e-mail, letters, etc..
* Return as soon as possible.
* Bring her a gift!
* Avoid returning at an unexpected time or at night.
* Take her with you if possible.

9. Financial Support

* The husband needs to be generous within his financial capabilities. He should not be a miser with his money (nor wasteful).
* He gets rewards for all what he spends on her sustenance even for a small piece of bread that he feeds her by his hand (hadeith).
* He is strongly encouraged to give to her before she asks him.


10. Smelling Good and Physical Beautification

* Following the Sunnah in removing hair from the groin and underarms.
* Always being clean and neat.
* Put on perfume for her.

11. Intercourse

* It is obligatory to do it habitually if you have no excuse (sickness, etc.)
* Start with "Bismillah" and the authentic du'a.
* Enter into her in the proper place only (not the anus).
* Begin with foreplay including words of love.
* Continue until you have satisfied her desire.
* Relax and joke around afterwards.
* Avoid intercourse during the monthly period because it haram
* Do what you can to avoid damaging her level of Hiyaa (shyness and modesty) such as taking your clothes together instead of asking her to do it first while he is looking on.
* Avoid positions during intercourse that may harm her such as putting pressure on her chest and blocking her breath, especially if you are heavy.
* Choose suitable times for intercourse and be considerate as sometimes she maybe sick or exhausted.

12. Guarding Privacy

* Avoid disclosing private information such as bedroom secrets, her personal problems and other private matters.

13. Aiding in the Obedience to Allah

* Wake her up in the last third of the night to pray "Qiam-ul-Layl" (extra prayer done at night with long sujood and ruku'ua).
* Teach her what you know of the Qur'an and its tafseer.
* Teach her "Dhikr" (ways to remember Allah by the example of the prophet) in the morning and evening.
* Encourage her to spend money for the sake of Allah such as in a charity sale.
* Take her to Hajj and Umrah when you can afford to do so.

14. Showing Respect for her Family and Friends

* Take her to visit her family and relatives, especially her parents.
* Invite them to visit her and welcome them.
* Give them presents on special occasions.
* Help them when needed with money, effort, etc..
* Keep good relations with her family after her death if she dies first.
Also in this case the husband is encouraged to follow the sunnah and keep giving what she used to give in her life to her friends and family.

15. (Islamic) Training & Admonition

This includes
* The basics of Islam
* Her duties and rights
* Reading and writing
* Encouraging her to attend lessons and halaqahs
* Islamic rules (ahkam) related to women
* Buying Islamic books and tapes for the home library

16. Admirable Jealousy

* Ensure she is wearing proper hijab before leaving house.
* Restrict free mixing with non-mahram men.
* Avoiding excess jealousy. Examples of this are:
1- Analyzing every word and sentence she says and overloading her speech by meanings that she did not mean.
2- Preventing her from going out of the house when the reasons are just.
3- Preventing her from answering the phone.
4- etc.

17. Patience and Mildness

* Problems are expected in every marriage so this is normal. What is wrong is excessive responses and magnifying problems until a marital breakdown.
* Anger should be shown when she exceeds the boundaries of Allah SWT, by delaying prayers, backbiting, watching prohibited scenes on TV, etc..
* Forgive the mistakes she does to you (See item 18).
* How can you best correct her mistakes?
1- First, implicit and explicit advice several times.
2- Then by turning your back to her in bed (displaying your feelings). Note that this does not include leaving the bedroom to another room, leaving the house to another place, or not talking with her.
3- The last solution is lightly hitting (when allowable) her. (Zawaj.com Editor's note: We do NOT agree with or endorse this particar suggestion. We are printing this article as it was written, however we believe that striking a woman is not an acceptable solution to problems. In fact, it contradicts all of the other advice offered in this article.) In this case, the hsuband should consider the following: - He should know that sunnah is to avoid beating as the Prophet PBUH never beat a woman or a servant. - He should do it only in extreme cases of disobedience, e.g. refusing intercourse without cause frequently, constantly not praying on time, leaving the house for long periods of time without permission nor refusing to tell him where she had been, etc.
- It should not be done except after having turned from her bed and discussing the matter with her as mentioned in Qur'an.
- He should not hit her hard injuring her, or hit her on her face or on sensitive parts of her body.
- He should avoid shaming her such as by hitting her with a shoe, etc.

18. Pardoning and Appropriate Censure

* Accounting her only for larger mistakes.
* Forgive mistakes done to him but account her for mistakes done in Allah's rights, e.g. delaying prayers, etc..
* Remember all the good she does whenever she makes a mistake.
* Remember that all humans err so try to find excuses for her such as maybe she is tired, sad, having her monthly cycle or that her commitment to Islam is growing.
* Avoid attacking her for the bad cooking of the food as the Prophet PBUH never blamed any of his wives for this. If he likes the food, he eats and if he doesn't then he does not eat and does not comment.
* Before declaring her to be in error, try other indirect approaches that are more subtle than direct accusations.
* Escape from using insults and words that may hurt her feelings.
* When it becomes necessary to discuss a problem wait until you have privacy from others.
* Waiting until the anger has subsided a bit can help to keep a control on your words.

Finally, please make Du'a for the writer; Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed,
for the translator brother Abu Talhah and for reviewer Br. Adam Qurashi. Remember this is not a perfect translation so forgive us our faults and correct our errors.